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Description
It has been over a year and half since I attempted suicide. I'm in a place in my life where things are changing and it feels appropriate to revisit this event in my life. The day that I overdosed, one of my best friends Jaunell came and saw me in the hospital. By the time she had come to see me I was drinking a cup of activated charcoal, nearing the end of the cup, Jaunell showed up.
She had tried to call my phone and when I didn't answer she went to my house and my mother explained to her what had happened. She stood and talked for a while but I was still not very lucid and I couldn't make sense of anything. She got teary eyed and I hugged her before she left. I didn't realize how monstrous I looked until I saw myself in a mirror after I sobered up. My entire mouth, teeth and tongue were entirely black from charcoal.
Wanting to approach the subject, I asked Jaunell to write me an account of how things went that day, so I can work on a body of work with her perspective as a guide and insight on how it effected my loved ones.
This is an excerpt of her writing:
"When I found you, you looked like a baby, or a puppy or some other helpless thing. Your eyes got huge as you tried to comprehend me. It was relieving to realize your stupor because I had no idea what to say but thank god because now it didn't matter.
It was a wonderful and ugly thing to watch you drink of cup of black. It stained you and saved you and tasted like shit. I wanted to be excited for the science of it but it didn't look scientific on you, it looked like you tried to kill yourself. How that we were there I expected the fear to leave but this was still a hospital and it felt too much like a beginning.
She had tried to call my phone and when I didn't answer she went to my house and my mother explained to her what had happened. She stood and talked for a while but I was still not very lucid and I couldn't make sense of anything. She got teary eyed and I hugged her before she left. I didn't realize how monstrous I looked until I saw myself in a mirror after I sobered up. My entire mouth, teeth and tongue were entirely black from charcoal.
Wanting to approach the subject, I asked Jaunell to write me an account of how things went that day, so I can work on a body of work with her perspective as a guide and insight on how it effected my loved ones.
This is an excerpt of her writing:
"When I found you, you looked like a baby, or a puppy or some other helpless thing. Your eyes got huge as you tried to comprehend me. It was relieving to realize your stupor because I had no idea what to say but thank god because now it didn't matter.
It was a wonderful and ugly thing to watch you drink of cup of black. It stained you and saved you and tasted like shit. I wanted to be excited for the science of it but it didn't look scientific on you, it looked like you tried to kill yourself. How that we were there I expected the fear to leave but this was still a hospital and it felt too much like a beginning.
Even now I feel the complications of your death. You showed it to me as something leaking out of you. I still see it sometimes. You pull it out for me to look at but I don't know how to interpret what I see. How do I respond to it? Should I accept it as part of you or can I will it out of your mind? I don't know how to help you of if I am even the person to do that."
--Jaunell Vallejo
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1725x1785px 1.25 MB
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Comments4
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I like this a lot. Nice to hear that you're okay now. 
Don't know if this will mean anything to you, as I don't know how you feel about this topic, but when you're feeling down, or when you feel like you can't deal, remember this.."God gives His toughest battles to His strongest soldiers." 
Don't know if this will mean anything to you, as I don't know how you feel about this topic, but when you're feeling down, or when you feel like you can't deal, remember this.."God gives His toughest battles to His strongest soldiers."